My mom died.
How do you start a post about the month your mom died? Much like I’ve done most of my life, you rip it off like a band-aid and put it right out there. It’s said. No pussyfootin’ around it. Now, how do you write about such a huge, ginormous, convoluted, emotional turducken of an event in your life knowing that one day your kids may read it? How do you explain what happened? Not the immediate medical events leading to her death but the years of events pulling her towards it. The stuff people politely omit when they speak of someone who’s passed.
How do you start a post about the month your mom died? Much like I’ve done most of my life, you rip it off like a band-aid and put it right out there. It’s said. No pussyfootin’ around it. Now, how do you write about such a huge, ginormous, convoluted, emotional turducken of an event in your life knowing that one day your kids may read it? How do you explain what happened? Not the immediate medical events leading to her death but the years of events pulling her towards it. The stuff people politely omit when they speak of someone who’s passed.
March 9
"So weird to hold your mother's hand and it looks like your holding your own."
There were/are so many secrets in my family. So many questions you never dared ask
because truthfully you were afraid of the answer. Because at a very young age you knew way too
much, more than a kid your age should know.
Dear Lord imagine what you DIDN’T know!
I say this to say that I understand kids need to be protected from
grown-up stuff. BUT there will come a
day when they will want to know more about me and my side of the family and
they will be grown enough to hear the answers.
They will ask questions like:
“What was Grandma Linda like?”
“Why are there no pictures of me with Grandma Linda?”
“How did she die?”
I never really knew “Grandma Linda”. Unfortunately I really only knew her as Mom. Mom Linda was…
Spectacular (adj. wonderfully exciting; lavish – I love this
definition) | Captivating | Whimsical | Creative
She would walk into a room and LITERALLY heads would turn. The woman could make a $20 outfit look like it cost $200. While she was beautiful it was her aura that drew you in. A beacon of frolic and fun with a cheeky fairy like glint in her eye (if you know anything about fairies, they’re mischievous).
They will ask questions like:
“What was Grandma Linda like?”
“Why are there no pictures of me with Grandma Linda?”
“How did she die?”
I never really knew “Grandma Linda”. Unfortunately I really only knew her as Mom. Mom Linda was…
Spectacular (adj. wonderfully exciting; lavish – I love this
definition) | Captivating | Whimsical | Creative She would walk into a room and LITERALLY heads would turn. The woman could make a $20 outfit look like it cost $200. While she was beautiful it was her aura that drew you in. A beacon of frolic and fun with a cheeky fairy like glint in her eye (if you know anything about fairies, they’re mischievous).
Ballsy | Brave | Strong willed | A dame | Unapologetically Crude
She owned who she was and she made no apologies. Her opinion was loud and was wrought with knowledge and experience beyond your strait laced comprehension. Strangely these brash qualities made her endearing, provocative, and intriguing, even to those who touted that they didn’t like her.
Honest | Giving
You always knew where you stood with her. If she liked you, she loved you and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. If she hated you, she would still give you the shirt off her back after she told you what an a-hole you were.
Broken
Why are there no pictures of you with her?
Me: “Quit being what happened to you, and start being what you make happen.”
Tia Jenn: “For some people it’s not as easy as it sounds BUT !! It
is Possible!!!”
Ultimately she was broken. She shoved that pain way down deep inside and tried to suffocate it by being spectacular, brave, and giving. As the years wore on we got more and more glimpses of what happened to her. As fantastically spectacular as she was, that shine could never blind all the things that broke her. Rip it like a band-aid…by the time she became Grandma Linda she had a depression disorder that she unapologetically and admittedly self-medicated with alcohol and in the end it took her life.
I chose to distance myself. I chose my own happiness. And she chose to let me. Then when I had you, there was no choice but to protect you from knowing too much. And much to Tia Jenn’s point – with much reflection – I have come to terms with the idea, while it is possible to quit being what happened to you it is definitely not as easy as it sounds for some. At least it wasn’t for her. She lost her light, her shine. She lost sight of how spectacular she was.
After almost 4 years of not seeing her I went to her bedside and
introduced her to her youngest grandchild.
She couldn’t leave this earth without seeing how beautiful you
were.
When asked, “How are you?” My
canned response has been, “I’m not sad for what was. I'm sad for all
the things that never were. Moreover I’m
sad for all the things that will never be.”
Three simple sentences that pack so much meaning.
Ultimately she was broken. She shoved that pain way down deep inside and tried to suffocate it by being spectacular, brave, and giving. As the years wore on we got more and more glimpses of what happened to her. As fantastically spectacular as she was, that shine could never blind all the things that broke her. Rip it like a band-aid…by the time she became Grandma Linda she had a depression disorder that she unapologetically and admittedly self-medicated with alcohol and in the end it took her life.
I chose to distance myself. I chose my own happiness. And she chose to let me. Then when I had you, there was no choice but to protect you from knowing too much. And much to Tia Jenn’s point – with much reflection – I have come to terms with the idea, while it is possible to quit being what happened to you it is definitely not as easy as it sounds for some. At least it wasn’t for her. She lost her light, her shine. She lost sight of how spectacular she was.
 |
| The Day You Met Her |
Me: “You look like you want to say something.”The woman who was never lost for words just wanted to look at me and say nothing. God I wish I could know what she was thinking! They were her last words to me. In the end she taught me how to be strong, stronger than she could be for herself. It’s what she wanted. I broke the cycle. Maybe that’s what she was thinking.
Grandma Linda: “I just want to look at you.”
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| 3/17 The Day She Died - Pointing to Her House |
Finding Joy
Quick! Look at these goofy faces and be overjoyed and read about what else happened this month.
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| Kaz + His BF + their Rocket ship |
Firsts/Quirks
Someone learned to pedal a bike this month...yeah family the tongue lives on!
First time I dropped him off in a playgroup room without me. How did he do? He didn't even care when I left. They had to force him to say good-bye. He had a great time until he fell and gave himself a bloody nose. I held him, kissed it, cleaned him up, and off he ran without a care in the world. Hello?! There are kids to play with! Let me go momma! Boy is he READY for preschool.
Grandpa Bob showed and gave Kaz his first Spider-man comic book. I don't know who was more excited.
Crazy hat day at school and guess who won their first contest? He definitely put the "crazy" in crazy hat day!
Facebook: March 21 - First Momma Bear Experience
"Trying not to go Momma Bear on the little boy who hit my son on the nose at school today. Ewww THIS is an uuuugly feeling - no likey."
Oh BOY is someone is regressing this month! He lays on his back and coos and goos. Asks for bottles and will even bat around a toy. What a character. Thankful
I am thankful for my friends whom I call family. Sometimes you don't know what you need until someone gives it to you.
Facebook: March 23
"Best medicine ever. Thanks fellas. It was everything I needed."
Facebook: March 26
Kaz: (With huge tears welling in his eyes) "I don't want to die."......"Will you die?"
WHEW - Hardest. Conversation. EVER.
I am thankful for this moment. As heart wrenching as it was; to be able to soothe his worries by imparting upon him the faith of heaven and an afterlife was a blessing.
My Mom's passing has brought my family together in ways we unfortunately could have never been while she lived. There were so many healing words spoken between us. It was her parting gift to us I'm sure. For this, I am grateful.Facebook: March 28Through it all I am thankful for my husband who I could be vulnerable with. Who I could be broken with. Who knew just how much strength it took for me to allow myself that comfort and held me up through it all. You are a good man. You are my man and I'm one lucky dame.
"How much do I love my husband...he's taking the boys for a little walk and THEN he's taking them to dinner leaving me all alone with a quiet house...more than I can possibly put into words."
